My Antidepressants Make Me Sick

“Take these, you’ll get better!”

“Now there will be a few side effects, but nothing to worry about.”

“It won’t be that bad…” I say, filled with doubt.

Antidepressants would be perfect without the side effects,

But anything that eases the pain in my mind, my body rejects.


It’s like my brain automatically detects when I want to get better,

And it deflects all of my attempts.


Every morning when I wake up I have the shakes,

But I’ll endure anything it takes to undo these genetic mistakes.


All throughout the day, I feel as if I’m about to vomit,

As if an archer made my stomach their target.


Oh, and how could I forget about the headaches,

Each pound in my head feels like an earthquake.


I zone out constantly and honestly that’s the only solace I have during the day,

Because that’s when nausea, headaches, and shakes go away.


I’m weak and tired every second of every day,

I don’t blame my friends for wanting to stay away.


The best parts of my day revolve around sleeping,

Is this the life I am so concerned with keeping?


Everything hurts and I’m exhausted,

Why are all my attempts to get better always thwarted?


Am I even supposed to get better?

Depression clings to me like a wax seal on a letter.


Somehow I’m still optimistic that one day I’ll be okay,

But that’ll only happen if my brain decides to obey.


People think I’m just sick all the time,

They think I have a weak immune system and that all I do is whine.


They don’t see me hunched over a toilet for 3 hours when I get home,

The only thing they see is what I’ve shown.


They don’t see the tremors in my skin as my body violently jerks,

They just see the class clown and my multitude of smirks.


I’ve put on this facade of someone who doesn’t have a care in the world,

When in actuality my world is slowly becoming unfurled.


These were supposed to help me and I feel worse than ever,

I traded in mental pain for physical pain,

But they haven’t quieted the negative voices in my brain.

Originally published at on November 3, 2016.

Writer. Womanist. Worrier. Alliteration Enthusiast. #AllBlackLivesMatter #TransLivesMatter

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