Anyone who has taken or is taking antidepressants should, unfortunately, be able to relate to this.
“Take these, you’ll get better!”
“Now there will be a few side effects, but nothing to worry about.”
“It won’t be that bad…” I say, filled with doubt.
Antidepressants would be perfect without the side effects,
But anything that eases the pain in my mind, my body rejects.
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It’s like my brain automatically detects when I want to get better,
And it deflects all of my attempts.
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Every morning when I wake up I have the shakes,
But I’ll endure anything it takes to undo these genetic mistakes.
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All throughout the day, I feel as if I’m about to vomit,
As if an archer made my stomach their target.
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Oh, and how could I forget about the headaches,
Each pound in my head feels like an earthquake.
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I zone out constantly and honestly that’s the only solace I have during the day,
Because that’s when nausea, headaches, and shakes go away.
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I’m weak and tired every second of every day,
I don’t blame my friends for wanting to stay away.
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The best parts of my day revolve around sleeping,
Is this the life I am so concerned with keeping?
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Everything hurts and I’m exhausted,
Why are all my attempts to get better always thwarted?
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Am I even supposed to get better?
Depression clings to me like a wax seal on a letter.
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Somehow I’m still optimistic that one day I’ll be okay,
But that’ll only happen if my brain decides to obey.
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People think I’m just sick all the time,
They think I have a weak immune system and that all I do is whine.
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They don’t see me hunched over a toilet for 3 hours when I get home,
The only thing they see is what I’ve shown.
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They don’t see the tremors in my skin as my body violently jerks,
They just see the class clown and my multitude of smirks.
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I’ve put on this facade of someone who doesn’t have a care in the world,
When in actuality my world is slowly becoming unfurled.
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These were supposed to help me and I feel worse than ever,
I traded in mental pain for physical pain,
But they haven’t quieted the negative voices in my brain.
Originally published at http://afrosandopinions.com on November 3, 2016.
