My Antidepressants Make Me Sick

“Take these, you’ll get better!”

“Now there will be a few side effects, but nothing to worry about.”

“It won’t be that bad…” I say, filled with doubt.

Antidepressants would be perfect without the side effects,

But anything that eases the pain in my mind, my body rejects.

-

It’s like my brain automatically detects when I want to get better,

And it deflects all of my attempts.

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Every morning when I wake up I have the shakes,

But I’ll endure anything it takes to undo these genetic mistakes.

-

All throughout the day, I feel as if I’m about to vomit,

As if an archer made my stomach their target.

-

Oh, and how could I forget about the headaches,

Each pound in my head feels like an earthquake.

-

I zone out constantly and honestly that’s the only solace I have during the day,

Because that’s when nausea, headaches, and shakes go away.

-

I’m weak and tired every second of every day,

I don’t blame my friends for wanting to stay away.

-

The best parts of my day revolve around sleeping,

Is this the life I am so concerned with keeping?

-

Everything hurts and I’m exhausted,

Why are all my attempts to get better always thwarted?

-

Am I even supposed to get better?

Depression clings to me like a wax seal on a letter.

-

Somehow I’m still optimistic that one day I’ll be okay,

But that’ll only happen if my brain decides to obey.

-

People think I’m just sick all the time,

They think I have a weak immune system and that all I do is whine.

-

They don’t see me hunched over a toilet for 3 hours when I get home,

The only thing they see is what I’ve shown.

-

They don’t see the tremors in my skin as my body violently jerks,

They just see the class clown and my multitude of smirks.

-

I’ve put on this facade of someone who doesn’t have a care in the world,

When in actuality my world is slowly becoming unfurled.

-

These were supposed to help me and I feel worse than ever,

I traded in mental pain for physical pain,

But they haven’t quieted the negative voices in my brain.

Originally published at http://afrosandopinions.com on November 3, 2016.

Writer. Womanist. Worrier. Alliteration Enthusiast. #AllBlackLivesMatter #TransLivesMatter

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